A blonde who was driving erratically was pulled over by a police officer who also happened to be a blonde. The officer asked her for her driver's license. "What does it look like?" she asked. "It's rectangular and it has your picture on it," replied the officer. She rummaged around in her purse and finally pulled out a pocket mirror. Saying "Here it is!" she handed it to the officer, who said "I'm going to let you go. I didn't realize you were a police officer."
A certain lumberjack camp had a Chinese cook named Charlie. The lumberjacks were not
very progressive in their attitudes and they treated Charlie with great disrepect, tying
his shoelaces together, pulling his pigtail, and even throwing him in the river just for
One day a priest came to the camp and held an outdoor mass, including open confession. Charlie wan't present. Several of the lumberj acks spoke aobut their treatment of Charlie. The priest gave them their penance--quite a few Hail Marys--and admonished them sternly that this behavior must not continue and that they must apologize to Charlie for their mistreatment of him.
After the mass, a group of lumberjacks went to Charlie. They said that they were very sorry for all the mean things they'd done to him and promised that they wouldn't do them again.
"You no tie shoelaces together no more?" asked Charlie.
"No," said one of the lumberjacks. "We won't do that."
"You no pull pigtail?"
"You no throw Charlie in river?"
"No, no. We'll never do that again."
"Good," said Charlie, "then me no peepee in coffee no more."
A group of blondes heard about all the blonde jokes and decided to create a "blonde pride" program to teach blondes to respect themselves--but it didn't work. It was the blonde leading the blonde.A man was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
Do you know the difference between God and a doctor?
God never thinks he's a doctor.
Have you heard about the New York Monopoly game?
You don't collect $200 and the space says "Go Fuck Yourself!"
How can you tell if somebody's an asshole?
Have him take the Stanford-Bidet.
One night a doctor's pipes burst and there was a flood in his kitchen. He called a plumber that advertised 24-hour service. The plumber came right out and within fifteen minutes he'd repaired the leak. He then presented the doctor with a bill for $200. "Two hundred dollars!" exclaimed the doctor, "That's $800 an hour! I'm a doctor and I don't make that kind of money!" And the plumber answered, "Neither did I, when I was a doctor."
The cook for a certain lumberjack camp quit and, times being hard, the lumberjacks
weren't able to find another cook, so they agreed that each of them would cook in
rotation. None of them had any experience in this area and they all found the chore
burdensome and produced food that left a great deal to be desired. There was so much
complaining about the food that there was no peace in the camp.
After this had been going on for some time, one of the lumberjacks got tired of the situation and presented the other lumberjacks with a proposition: he would cook every day, provided that nobody complained about his cooking. The other lumberjacks, who were as sick of the fighting as they were of the lousy food, readily agreed to this proposal.
After a while, the lumberjack who'd volunteered to cook began to learn something about the culinary arts and the food improved greatly. The other lumberjacks, seeing that they were getting a good bargain, didn't say a word about the occasional less-than-perfectly-delicious meal. But now the lumberjack/cook began to see that he'd made a bad deal. Cooking was a lot of work and he was getting really tired of it. So he decided to deliberately make bad meals to make the others complain and release him from his bargain. But these others were no fools; they saw what he was doing and kept their mouths shut, grimly intending to hold out as long as necessary (because, after all, the cook had to eat the bad food he was making along with the rest of them).
Finally, one day, in desperation, he made a pie shell, filled it with shit, and served it as a pumpkin pie. When one of the other lumberjacks tasted it, he couldn't restrain himself and exclaimed, "This pie tastes just like shit!" And then, remembering the bargain, he added, ". . . but good!"
Immigration and Naturalization Service
President Bush is an alien.
He keeps talking about "our war against Terra."
Sign on a toilet seat protector dispenser: "Polish T-shirts."
Sign on another toilet seat protector dispenser: "First pull up, then pull down." And written underneath: "How to beat off."
The real meaning of school grades:
There was a man who became obsessed with finding the meaning of life. He read many
books, traveled the world, and sought out many teachers, but none of their explanations
satisfied him. Finally, he heard of a very holy hermit who lived in a cave high in the
Himalayas and was said by many to be the only man who truly understood the meaning of
life. At once the man set out to find this holy teacher, and, after many adventures, he
finally arrived at a cave high on a steep and forbidding mountain, where he saw an old man
seated in the lotus position.
He asked the old man, "Honored sir, I've been told that you alone understand the meaning of life. Please be so kind as to share this secret with me."
The old man answered, "Life . . . is a fountain."
Perplexed, the man repeated, "Life is a fountain?"
And the old man answered, "You mean . . . life isn't a fountain?"
What do elephants use for tampons?
Q. What is the World Wide Web
made of ?
A. The World Wide Warp and the World Wide Weft.
What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?
The location of the dirtbag.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
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