Many of the jokes contained in this
A Catholic, a Jew, and a Christian Scientist died and went to hell. One day they got to talking about how they'd wound up there. The Catholic said, "I didn't go to mass on Sundays, I ate meat on Friday, and I committed adultery. That's why I'm here." The Jew said, "I didn't observe the holy days, I ate non-kosher food, and I was a lazy bum. That's why I'm here." Then the Catholic turned to the Christian Scientist and asked, "And why are you here?" And the Christian Scientist answered, "I am not here."
Episcopal priest to Presbyterian minister at ecumenical dinner: "After all, we are both doing the Lord's work--you in your way, and I in His."
How many fundamentalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. God made lighbulbs. Every photon is infallible. Changing them would be a sin. And they only burn out because of your sinful nature.
If the Romans had been smart like the Chinese, they'd have charged the Virgin Mary for the nails.
One day, Jesus was preaching to the multitude and healing the sick. There were many people with serious afflictions and Jesus healed them, one after another. Finally, late in the evening, Jesus, turned to one of the Apostles--it was Saint Luke--and said, "I'm completely exhausted. I'm going to bed. You heal the rest of these people." "But, Lord," said Saint Luke, "I don't know how to heal the sick." And Jesus said, "Use the Force, Luke."
One day, the Pope put out an urgent call that all the Cardinals were to meet at once in Rome. This was, of course, very unusual. They gathered in the Sistine Chapel and there was much speculation about why they had been called together as they waited for the Pope. When the Pope arrived he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that Jesus Christ has returned to earth. I haven't seen Him yet but I've spoken to Him on the telephone." The Cardinals sat in stunned silence for a fairly long time, then one of them asked the Pope, "But, Holy Father, if that's the good news what bad news can there possibly be?" And the Pope answered, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."
What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to fuck off.
What's the Holy See?
It's where the holy mackerels live.
When Jesus was hanging on the cross he looked out into the crowd and saw St. Peter. He called out, "Peter. Peter. Come here." St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. Come here." So St. Peter tried again to reach the cross. This time the Roman soldiers knocked him down and kicked him a few times. Picking himself up, St. Peter heard Jesus calling to him again, so he dashed between two Roman soldiers and went right up to the foot of the cross, saying "Yes, Lord. . . ." And Jesus said, "Peter . . . I can see your house from here."
Polymath Systems Home Page